This morning I sat down to create my first “blog post”, for my first “website” about this thing that has really been kicking my ass. The very first mistake I made was Googling “average word count for a blog post.” I immediately became more depressed, 1142 words! I already credit depression for killing every bit if creativity I was gifted, now I credit depression for giving me anxiety when I learn the thing I want to start doing wants an average of 1142 words to create it! I give up…
No, I don’t…I want to do this…I have a voice, I have an idea, I want to get better and help others get better. Depression and anxiety has been the huge hanger-on octopus in my life for many years. Like an octopus, depression has tentacles. Have you seen the YouTube video? The one with the octopus on the woman’s face? https://youtu.be/MIfbFgSXPD0 It freaking sent her to the ER. Tentacles of depression are slippery, weird, and suck onto your face, or life and hang on for a long time. One observation, that octopus looks so small
178 WORDS!!! That’s all I’ve written?? OMG!!!
OK, to tentacles. I’ve handled an octopus, it’s a crazy crazy evil creature. Probably the creepiest, sly, slimy, sneaky, single most invasive animal encounter in my life. It is unbelievably relentless and non-stop in doing absolutely the most uncomfortable movements, while sucking hard. The octopus is on this earth to do things to make you the most uncomfortable and scared you’ve ever been, and its very slimy. Maybe, I’ll start a website and write blog posts about how freaking weird the octopus is. The point is, I am comparing this animal to the struggles of depression. Those of you who know what I’m trying to say, know what I’m trying to say. Those of you who don’t, just google octopus/human videos, maybe you’ll get a sense.
These tentacles of depression are very intrusive and strong and suck hard. Anxiety, insomnia, sleeping all the time (what’s the term for that), hopelessness, loneliness, weight loss, weight gain, medication side-effects (those suck), sexual and intimacy problems (those suck too), suicidal thoughts, irritability, anger, failed relationships, lack of concentration, guilt, shame, worthlessness, I can keep going for a long time and you could too.
One of the hardest things about this issue is…usually, no one can see the octopus stuck to your FACE! In my experience, the people in my life would never guess there is a problem. There may be some who read this with shock and awe. Yes, I’ve struggled mightily with depression for most of my life. SURPRISE! One of the provoking factors leading to this blog etc was an experience I had fairly recently. I told a “close friend” whom I’ve know for many years. We’d shared many human to human interactions in the past, I felt “safe” talking. I told this person specifically that many days, I can’t fathom getting out of bed and that I just feel so sad sometimes. That was a horrible experience. To say there was an awkward silence, would be the greatest understatement of 2019. I immediately felt horrible for saying anything and went into repair mode, trying to make them feel better. I’d love to hear your awful stories about trying to talk to people (that sounded sadistic). Point is, its terrifyingly difficult to a) Talk about in the first place, and b) Talk to someone who understands and has empathy.
614 WORDS! Wow, this isn’t that bad!
“You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear. ”
This all brings me to where I’m at today. I have a simple idea that I hope catches on. I’m a dumb Registered Nurse, but I am creating a website using Squarespace, to hopefully make a safe space to read and share our experiences with each other. I am soliciting your stories to share as part of the blog, along with some pictures if you don’t mind, to create kinship. One of my favorite people of all time is Father Greg Doyle from Homeboy Industries. He said, “You stand with the least likely to succeed until success is succeeded by something more valuable: kinship. You stand with the belligerent, the surly and the badly behaved until bad behavior is recognized for the language it is: the vocabulary of the deeply wounded and of those whose burdens are more than they can bear.” I hope so badly this catches on. I want your input, your ideas, your suggestions, your legal advice or whatever, to help each other.
I am also creating a line of t-shirts, hats, bags, bracelets with a logo we designed and the word MENTAL. I want MENTAL to be a open and proud word. I want MENTAL to provoke open, honest, honorable conversations. I recently had a few shirts made and sent to some family and friends. They have had people stop them and ask, “what is MENTAL?” “What are you trying to say?” It has also spawned more open and raw conversations among my family. Who isn’t affected by MENTAL health issues? All of us are MENTAL.